Moving

So amazing to me how this move is so vastly different then just going away to college. It actually hurts to leave. I know I'll miss out on a lot but at the same time by not moving I know that I'll miss out on so much more. I need to try. I need my family to understand and I know them to know while they might not understand the reasons, it only boils down to I need to prove to myself that I can anything I want, any where I want, without the crutch of my parents.

I love my parents more then anything, but I need to know and show myself that I live without them as a constant bail-out, a hovering-parent that still tells me to do things you'd tell an 8 year-old, and without seeing them everyday, especially my mom. Being an only child, raised many a times in a single parent home while my dad was TDY, stationed elsewhere or something that pulled him away from my childhood, due to his military career, my mother and I have a bond that breaks many barriers and is stronger then most. I am her friend, confidant, shoulder and she is mine. That will be the hardest!! (But hey, that's why we have Skype!) Most of all, I'm afraid to leave the one thing that loves me no matter what- Cleo.

Pets are ultimately the one true love of your life. You can lay it all out on the table, tell someone you love them and want to move across the country for them, be with them always, but in the end, the one that is waiting for you to get home is your pets. You love them like a family member, rush them to the ER Vet when something is wrong and you'd do anything for them, while they entirely rely on you for their basic needs. For everything, she is my sister, my daughter, my dog and I've very sadden to not take her, but alas, she is also super attached to my parents.... And I'll be back throughout the year, so it's easier for her to stay here.

Here, being Colorado, is my home. Where I was born, where we came back to when my dad retired from the military, and just a couple hours from my mom's family. There is Seattle. Where I want to start my life. Breathe air that is part of my uncharted waters of my life, ( and my asthma doesn't EVER bother me there!). I stood at the front of my steps tonight before walking in the door with a sober thought that this is really the last time I'll be doing that while I actually still live here. While I have no indention of permanently living in Washington and returning once school is done in roughly 4-5 years, in many ways, this is a farewell and a forever farewell. I will no longer be that child that moved back home and just stayed, I will actually be grown-up and living my own life, creating new adventures on my own terms and living my life the way I want to without the carefully guarded criticism of family and those I call my family. I will be able to spread my wings, fly and see where my life takes me. This alone scares me some, but excites me more. Mostly, I'm scared that I will actually break my mold of my fear.... of success. Having failed out of college on my first try, I came to realize that I'm fearful of my own success, which is why I fail again. I'm fearful that I'll succeed and my family won't be there with me, I'm fearful of not taking my parents with me on my journey to a successful life, I'm fearful that I will be alone always and forever (which is my greatest fear and my deepest), I'm fearful of losing who I am, what I want to be, who I will and those that mean the most me (mind you, not by death, because death and I are very well acquainted, remember, I do work with hospice care, but I mean literally, not have them in my life and grow old together, sitting on the front porch talking about the good ole' days). I hate change at any rate (interesting since this move alone is a HUGE change, but I do), but having always set my own expectations so high, I have failed myself so many times, while at the same time, surpassing others expectations of me, that I've come to expect that I'll fail myself and more and more that means I tend to fail others too, except Cleo... cause I can never fail her....
(as she walks out here cause she heard me and wants let out...)

Le sigh... but I'm moving and I need to deal with it and all that comes with it! Lets just hope I can hang on for the ride!!!!!!!